I have been super busy. Actually, to the point where I forgot that I had a blog. I know that I am super awesome like that, but that's how it rolls.
Here's how my return to blogdom began... Yesterday I noticed it in my bookmarks. I clicked the link, and then remembered that this was my blog. That was a shock to me.
And then I had an even bigger shock, one that I am still recuperating from. It's part of a whole slew of things that Jesus is challenging me in my heart (via what I do/say/think). I realized that too often in my life I allow this to be a real habit of my life. I forget a lot of stuff. It can cause a lot of chaos in my life, as well as in the lives of every one else that has to live/love/work with me.
So I have been reflecting on this aspect a lot last night and today and come up with a couple conclusions: I am okay with my forgetfulness; I try to act like I am not forgetful; and the main reason I forget so many things and such is that I am pre-occupied with myself to give those other things a real chance to be important in my conscious. This scares me.
As much as I pray that Jesus would destroy the huge "Self" nature in me, and as much as I try to lay my life on my cross and deny my own desires, I find my self jumping off the cross a whole lot before the nails are driven through me. There is a part of my nature that would rather lug the huge wooden thing around everywhere rather than get nailed to it and stay there. And I am beginning to think that this part of me is what is keeping me see the kingdom of God present in my life in a tangible way.
Basically there are two themes that the Holy Spirit have been working at implanting in my life - the search to bring God's kingdom on earth and to see freedom amongst His people - the kind of freedom that only comes through the active, redeeming transformation that comes from the Spirit of God making us into a new creation. I want to see that in my life. Every single day. However, I don't. I don't see it. I have questioned Jesus for months as to why I am not seeing both of these things in my life. And for months, I think I am beginning to see the glimpse of it the reason why I don't see it.
5 words describe why:
I am in the way.
Today the Spirit brought Luke 14:16-24 to my remembrance:
Jesus replied: "A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, 'Come, for everything is now ready.'
"But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, 'I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.'
"Another said, 'I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I'm on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.'
"Still another said, 'I just got married, so I can't come.'
"The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, 'Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.'
" 'Sir,' the servant said, 'what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.'
"Then the master told his servant, 'Go out to the roads and country lanes and make them come in, so that my house will be full. I tell you, not one of those men who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.' "
I have always wondered why Jesus used this parable. I have heard from people that people just loved their stuff and other people too much. But I mean, I'm not sure that is exactly true. It might be. But I know that I want to be a good steward of the things that God has allowed me to have (i.e. field and oxen). I want to make sure that everything works good and is the way that it needs to be. I sure know that I love my wife and that I want to be the best husband that I can be, which may mean not being able to hang out with friends when I want because I need to be spending time with her. So I don't think that these people were completely self engrossed in materialism or people pleasing. But I think that they were simply focused on the things that were closest to their immediate sphere of thought. And when I am only thinking of things that are closest to my immediate thoughts - I tend to forget other stuff. It seems to me that as the Master was preparing the feast, he invited people. These guys knew, somewhere in their brain, that this feast was coming up. But then they got focused on the stuff immediately in their life. And forgot. Then when the Master's servant comes to remind them that the feast is ready, they have to make an excuse because they have already put their own stuff before the feast. Sounds like my life.
I think where Jesus shows that they won't be a part of His feast is because they simply chose to do what was compatible with their own desires. If they were simply concerned with stuff and relationships for their own sake - then the obvious conclusion is that their hearts desire is after stuff not God. But I am feeling that the Holy Spirit is showing me that even trying to do good things with the right intentions is not enough. I feel that often enough I am simply living life trying to do the good stuff and I forget that about important stuff coming up. I forget that the Holy Spirit wants me to be on call 24/7 to enter into what He wants to do. So when I am reminded to come hang out with Him, the simple selfishness of my heart throws up an excuse because I am too focused on what I want to do.
So now I realize how easy it is for my very own self to get distracted by the common stuff of my everyday life; the stuff that interests me and matches with my own desires to the point where I won't (and maybe even do not desire) to enter into a real, day-to-day relationship with the Holy Spirit. Why? Because it causes me to lay down what I want. I know that I'll need to give up my system of prioritizing events, people, and things. And here is the point of no return. I have to decide if allowing the Holy Spirit to mess up my selfish priority sheet is what is best for my life or not. Oh, not only that, but understanding full-well that it scares me because then I know that I will have no control because He will be setting my agenda.
I am really wrestling with this. My spirit cries out to me that I must allow the Holy Spirit a deeper role in my life, allowing Him the first priority, or else I will be nothing. A big part of my heart is too scared to try. And what's happening as I type this? My iTunes starts to play Switchfoot's "Dare You to Move". I think that seals the deal. The kingdom of God is meant to be an active agent transforming the world for the glory of God. And if I ever want to join in that kingdom, it means allowing my Self (all the desires and junk that makes me think that the world and everything revovles around me), and even my good intentions - must have the backburner to Jesus. I think it's time to go to a feast instead of check out my fields.
